Austin Scholar #154: Your kid isn’t fighting you, they’re fighting for respect
& more from 10 to 25
Hey, y'all!
This week from Austin Scholar...
Your kid isn’t fighting you, they’re fighting for respect
Scholar’s Sources: What I’ve been thinking about…
I had an absolutely fantastic long weekend – I went skiing in Vail!! I felt like it was the perfect time to just be a kid and let go of all of the stress and responsibilities of college. I skied runs I wasn’t sure I was capable of, tried a ski jump for the first time, and embraced the needle-like snow that hit my face while speeding down the mountain. I also brought back a haul from the best candy store ever (Fuzziwig’s) for my roommate and I to enjoy for the rest of the week.
As much as it helps me to sort through all of my priorities and responsibilities, it did feel nice to ignore them for a few days and just have fun.
Your kid isn’t fighting you, they’re fighting for respect
Have you ever approached your kid about a problem, knowing it was already doomed to turn into a fight?
"Why didn't you take out the trash today?"
"Why do you always talk to me like I'm four?"
You might remember that a few weeks ago, we talked about 10 to 25 by Dr. David Yeager.
This week we're back with more: this time, on how to handle disagreements with your kids.
Here's a quick summary of the core concepts for those that missed the previous newsletter:
Parents and kids experience a disconnect between what they say versus what they hear, which is the core dilemma that David Yeager’s book, 10 to 25, tries to fix. He explains that “it’s very hard to simultaneously criticize someone’s work and motivate them because criticism can crush a young person’s confidence” (pg 4). This disconnect creates something called the adolescent predicament, which “is simply defined as the mismatch between young people’s neurobiological needs for status and respect and the level of status or respect afforded to them by their current circumstances” (pg 45).
Basically: kids are wired to need status and respect, and a lot of times, they don't feel like they get it from their parents.
So parents and kids clash. And that becomes the "adolescent predicament."
In the previous newsletter, I explained how to talk to your kid in a way that both maintains high standards and support, and also avoids falling into this adolescent predicament.
But what about when you have a disagreement?
As all parents know, in arguments, the divide between parents and kids gets even more exacerbated. Why? Yeager calls this the “barrier of mistrust,” which “applies to people who have less power in a setting, and then have their status or respect questioned. When this happens they tend to assume the most unfavorable and antagonistic reasons for the questioner’s behavior. With status at stake, they will dissect each word, looking for deeper meaning” (pg 87).
Basically: when you and your kid are in a disagreement, it’s likely that you are subconsciously exerting your power and control over the situation to try and get the outcome you want. This is extremely threatening to your kid’s personal notions of the status and respect that they want to have in every situation. To compensate, they'll “focus more on the unsaid part than the said part” in an effort to reestablish their status in the relationship (pg 88).
If your kid isn't doing their chores and you confront them about it, your kid will feel like their respect and autonomy is being threatened (even though they know they aren't fulfilling their side of a bargain). They'll respond by telling you that your tone is too harsh and you're always so mean to them, not because it's true, but because it allows them to reestablish their status in the conversation (as a person who has been wronged, not just the one getting told off).
So, how should you work through disagreements?