Austin Scholar #54: How Texting Saved My Relationship with My Parents
& Advice From Lynn Lyons on Supporting Anxious Teenagers
Hey, y'all!
My parents and I have done a lot of things to build a strong relationship–but the most important one has been texting.
Even though we live under the same roof, becoming regular texters is the best thing we've ever done for our relationship–and it might save your relationship with your kids, too.
But I'm getting ahead of myself.
This week from Austin Scholar...
Austin’s Anecdote: How Texting Saved My Relationship with My Parents
Advice From Lynn Lyons on Supporting Anxious Teenagers
Scholar’s Sources: The Best Lynn Lyons Articles on Teens and Mental Health
Austin’s Anecdote: How Texting Saved My Relationship with My Parents
I’m a super anxious person. I’ve got basically all of the anxiety disorders (generalized, social, you name it) and am more nights than not I have jittery energy overflowing in my body as I try to go to sleep.
And when I try and talk to my parents about important topics, my heart rate skyrockets, my palms get sweaty, my fingers can’t stop fidgeting, and my throat closes up. I can’t get anything out.
In eighth and ninth grade, my relationship with my parents was rocky because I couldn’t articulate how I was feeling to them. They were reaching out and I was too paralyzed with anxiety to respond.
There were some days that my body would be so full of anxiety and nervous energy that I couldn’t move or speak for hours. Or when I was having a frustrating day and feeling my depression set in, I couldn’t get the words out to tell my parents.
This whole thing created an immeasurable chasm between my parents and me–one that I thought was impossible to cross.
They were frustrated with me. I was frustrated with me.
I could write elaborate speeches in my mind and in the shower, but when it came time to speak out loud, the words didn’t come. It was a mix of worrying about what they were going to think of me if I told them how I was feeling and wondering if actually saying the words makes them true.
Then, on one of my hard days, I locked myself in my room and turned off all of the lights. While bundled in my blanket burrito, I texted my parents, telling them I was feeling extremely sad and needed to hide in the darkness for a few hours and not to bother me. They both texted back and told me they loved me and would leave dinner on the counter.
Umm, excuse me? Did I just tell my parents how I was feeling? And did they listen to me?
Yes. I told my parents what was wrong and they reacted accordingly. There was no confusion about the situation and every person felt respected at the end of the day.
So I tried it again.
“Hey, mom and dad! Are either of you up? I’m having a hard night and would love to watch a show to calm down.”
And again.
“I didn’t get a good score on my practice SAT and need to distract myself for the rest of the day. I’ll be in my room watching a show.”
And even when I was mad at my parents, I texted them.
“I’m really frustrated about this situation and am no longer thinking clearly. I would appreciate waiting to finish the conversation and just going to bed. I’ll write out my thoughts and email them tomorrow.”
As time went on, I was able to tell my parents when I had a bad day, when I needed their support, and even when I was mad at them.
I think the reason the texting is easier is because speaking, to me at least, seems so final. Official. Unchangeable.
But writing things down? You can do a first draft, then a second, and a third before submitting it. Writing my thoughts seems less permanent, and therefore easier to say, as I’m not as worried about the consequences of them. It’s like the “it’s easy to bully people online” argument, just translated to talking to parents.
Now, if I’m ever, at any point in time, too anxious to verbalize my emotions to my parents, I know I can just shoot them a text. And all of this communicating emotions stuff has made my parents and me closer than ever. And I think that’s pretty cool.
Advice From Lynn Lyons on Supporting Anxious Teenagers
If your kid struggles with anxiety, you should definitely be following the work of Lynn Lyons.
Lyons is a psychotherapist who specializes in treating anxiety disorders in adults and children and has been practicing for over 30 years.
She’s also an author and speaker who travels globally, bringing awareness to the subject of anxiety and how it affects families–and she’s also written several books on the topic, such as The Anxiety Audit and Anxious Kids, Anxious Parents. She’s definitely an expert.
I recently listened to a podcast episode where Lyons gave an overview on how to support anxious teens. The following article is a mix of what she said, what I think, and my strategies for helping your kid with their anxiety.