Austin Scholar #71: The three equations you need to connect with your kid

& the only template you need to win arguments

Hey, y'all!

This week from Austin Scholar...

1. Austin’s Anecdote: The only template you need to win arguments

2. The three equations you need to connect with your kid

3. Scholar’s Sources: What I’ve been reading this week

The big super cool, super secret project I’m working on is throwing a big event this Friday, so I’ve been doing a ton of stuff for that. Yesterday, I set up, registered, and packed up 500 laptops for the kids at the event. Crazy stuff. I’m incredibly excited to tell you about it next week :)

My friends and I have also been bracing ourselves for the AP scores that will be released on Wednesday. Parents, please be supportive of your kid this week. We’re a little extra stressed right now.

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Austin’s Anecdote: The only template you need to win arguments

I, like any other teenager, at one point experienced the right of passage of having my phone taken away.

I won’t get too into the specifics, but basically, my parents had my phone for an indeterminate period of time during eighth grade.

I made it two weeks before begging them to let me have it back. My request was incoherent and did absolutely nothing to convince my parents. Their denial sent me spiraling, and I spent the next few days cursing them and being angry (and proving their point that I hadn’t learned enough to have a phone).

But when I brought the situation to my therapist, instead of agreeing with me that my parents were horrible humans who loved to torture me, she agreed with them. 

Betrayal of the highest degree. Truly.

But then she showed me how I could earn my phone back: writing my parents a DEARMAN.

And so, of my own volition (not my therapists, of course) I decided that my next plan of action was to write a DEARMAN of the situation and give it to my parents. 

I described how I understood why they took my phone away, but felt I had learned enough in the past few weeks (when I wasn’t busy being angry at my parents) to earn it phone back.

I expressed how their refusal to hear me out made me feel hurt because it felt like they were punishing me for no clear reason.

I asked for my phone back with a screen time limit of two hours per day.

I thanked my parents for their consideration.

I focused only on the current situation and didn’t bring past arguments into it (as I’m prone to do).

I wrote confidently.

I ended by stating that if my parents did not find my request convincing, I was open to a counteroffer.

But it wasn’t necessary. One month after I lost my phone, my DEARMAN earned it back.

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The three equations you need to connect with your kid

Tina Fey once said that having a teenager is like having a crush, because “you’re thinking about them a lot more than they’re thinking about you.” Just like a crush, it’s hard to know how to invite them to do something with you.

And yeah, trying to find the right words to say to a teen is a challenge. 

We’re really good at twisting your words into something you didn’t mean, and at getting annoyed and bored after thirty seconds of conversation.

But I promise, it’s not hopeless. Remember how I made a template for teens to use to talk to their crush? If you missed it, basically I crafted some templates (styled like mathematical equations) that teens can use to formulate and express what they want to say. Well, now I have a few equation-style templates for you.

Here are three equations you can use to connect with your teen:

1. “How was your day?”

I have a lot of feelings about this question. When I was in seventh grade, I wrote an entire essay titled “Things I Don’t Tell My Parents” where I discussed why “‘How was your day?’ is the worst question in the entire world.”

Bad essays aside, I believe that parents are missing a huge opportunity to connect with their kid by just asking them “how was your day?” every single day, even though they know the answer is going to be “fine.”

To master the perfect “how was your day?” question, you need to be specific. Asking your kid to explain their entire day is too large-scale for them. Narrow the question. Ask about a super challenging class with an annoying teacher, a friend who’s always caught up in drama, or anything else that you know they’ll have a lot to say about. (Since school is currently out, check Scholar’s Sources for other topic ideas to ask about.) These narrower questions are so much easier to answer, and you’ll get a much more satisfying response.

Make sure to avoid asking about grades or homework, as this will immediately make your kid shut down because it will just remind them of their stress.

Finally, talk a little bit about your day, too. Vulnerability encourages vulnerability. Telling your kid about “work drama” (my favorite thing to hear about!) or something you had a hard time with that day will compel them to talk about their own drama or struggles.

2. “Do you want to do something together?”

This equation is super easy to use, and pretty much guarantees an agreement from your teen: